Mutual sacrifice

Gilly awoke at 11:00 or so this morning, had breakfast, and worked with his new weights. He spent the remainder of the day resting on his chair. It’s not easy for me to push at every turn, so I let it go today, knowing he’d be back at physio tomorrow bright and early. The schedule changes coupled with the medication reduction may be playing havoc with his energy.

Gilly’s appetite waned further today. The smoothies continue to provide some satisfaction, and I fortify the mixture with all sorts of nutritious ingredients, but other than coffee, little else interests him. I hope Thi applies acupressure tomorrow. He did not do this on Tuesday because Gilly told him his appetite was fine (he seemed to have many patients all at once. He may not have had much time that day, so Gilly’s claim may have been the deciding factor). I did not reveal Gilly’s falsehood out of respect (it’s embarrassing to be contradicted). We discussed it together afterwards when Gilly wondered out loud why he did not have the acupressure. When I explained that he provided an inaccurate impression, he realized his mistake. Tomorrow I plan to ensure that Thi is clearly made aware of the dip in amount consumed and total lack of appetite. He cannot afford to eat any less than he does now.

We celebrated Yaron’s coming of age this evening by having a small family gathering (see photo by Fred). The preparations (not to mention camp laundry) kept me busy all day long. I enjoyed the diversion; it felt almost normal.

Lucky for me, Susie offered to keep me company on the drive back to camp and home again to muggy Montreal. The trip provided me with the perfect opportunity to vent. I am fortunate to have my sweet and nutty sister-in-law as a sounding board. For one thing, she has an informed perspective of what Gilly is going through; she had brain surgery many years ago, and still remembers the challenges she faced on the road to recovery. Even more importantly, she cares deeply about us all, and is willing to put herself out there, even if it means traveling for 2 hours (with a pit stop in Birch point to visit with the mad potters, mom and Anne) to do so. The trip home seemed short because of the company. Thanks, Sue!

Last night Tamara and Max kept me company, and Auntie Ruth offered tonight as well. How could I feel alone with so many arms reaching out to protect me?

On the one hand, my circumstance is not what you'd call ‘fortunate’ for obvious reasons; daily life has become quite complex. On the other hand, I consider myself privileged; many friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances, and professionals have shed warmth, kindness, resources, information and attention upon me. By supporting me, Gilly and my children end up benefiting as well. I am blessed, because without these people, I don’t know where we’d be.

We are getting up tres early in the morning for physio, so I best get to bed. I need to be awake and alert as I drive back up north (yes, a third trip up in three days). I hope to remain there for 4 days. Gilly admitted to me that he is going for my sake, and actually prefers to stay home. He insists we not change our plans, so we’ll go up and see how long it lasts. It is vital that we find a balance for us both. He needs me now more than ever before. I need to regenerate in order to be strong enough to continue nurturing him. We must be together at this point because his dependency is great (he’s not ready, it seems, to take charge of his own matters, even those that seem small), so we have to take turns sacrificing. I’m relieved that it is Gilly’s turn to give to me tomorrow; I need a break, and a long lake swim will do me just fine.