Love you forever

Gilly balked at the idea of getting into his new bed. I asked him to look at me, and explained the reasons. He quickly changed his mind and accepted the new arrangement. His sudden change of heart provides me with more evidence of the fact that he is well aware of what is going on. He is unable to follow complex details, but he basically knows what is happening to him (more so over the past week or so, interestingly enough) and in his heart of hearts, he wants to make the situation easier for me. He is one of the most unselfish people I know, and this trait continues to shine through at this most difficult time. He’s had to give up so much, and the demands continue. A few weeks ago, I would not have believed that he had anything left to give up, but I was mistaken.

I prepared his nest in the as cozy a way as possible and offered to remain in the room. He sent me off on my way. I lay in bed and listened. I didn’t think he’d attempt to climb out, because on a physical level, he’s not prepared to fight that way any longer, but I wouldn’t put it past him to use the last spurt of gumption and try to escape. It would have been a long way down and a hard landing, so listened intently for any sign of movement. I went in to check on him every 20 minutes or so, and he lay awake, eyes wide open (which was highly unusual; he normally falls into a deep sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow). I’m sure he was thinking of his plight, but refused to show any sign of emotion. I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to stay and he never wavered in his refusal to admit any need for company.

Yaron arrived home from hockey and went into to say goodnight to his dad. He whispered, “I love you daddy.” There was no verbal response. “Do you love me?” he asked pointedly. “Yes,” he answered. “Say it daddy. Say you love me,” he begged. He put the words out for Gilly to copy, “Say I love you.” Silence.

Yaron arrived at my bedside crushed. I go through this whole ritual with Gilly regularly, so I fully understood his intense disappointment. “He tried,” Yaron revealed, “but he just couldn’t do it.” We wept together for quite some time while his friends waited for him downstairs. I rarely allow myself these moments, because they rip me apart, but it was impossible to hold back. We share so much love for this man.

I reminded Yaron of when he was a small boy and cried softly and persistently one day in the back seat of the car. I tried to find out what was bothering him, but he wouldn’t share the reason, until finally he announced, “I miss my daddy.” Gilly used to travel a great deal for business, and his son quietly, painfully mourned his absence. From that moment on I understood how desperately he needed his father’s physical presence in his life. We all missed Gilly, but Yaron yearned for his dad in a different way. Gilly was tough on his boy, but Yaron knew that his love and devotion was steadfast. He could count on his dad to love him and guide him in a special father and son sort of way. Now the tables are turning; Gilly awaits his son’s presence at his side as he remains at home, day after day. His eyes light up when his son enters his space, and his fist rises to receive ‘props’. I wish I had thought to tape Gilly telling us how much he loves us, but our memories run deep and for this we are grateful. I luckily have my wedding video where he declares his love as part of the ceremony; he has lovingly kept his vows in every way.

I tried to offer solace in the only way I could think of; I pointed out how lucky the four of us are in that we have an intact family; we’ve loved each other deeply from day 1, and continue to do so. We really have strong bonds to one another. We as a couple have remained together from the day we met (25 years ago this January); our love has only grown for one another over the years. Yaron and Tamara are fortunate to be children of such a loving marriage and partnership.

We shared a long hug and tight squeeze, and Yaron went off to join his friends. He and Tamara will spend time at the CSSS with Brad this afternoon. Tamara made the request, really for the two of us, but we all agree that Yaron is ready to speak of his feelings, and the timing of this appointment is just right in an uncanny sort of way (I’m writing this portion of the posting at 7:30 a.m. when I should be getting dressed to go to supervise my students, but I have a need to express my thoughts and feelings so here I am at the computer).

Gilly fell into his usual deep sleep by about 2:00 A.M. He’s resting very peacefully right now. I will offer a kiss and a promise of speedy return from work in a few moments.