Hate is a very strong word (so my father always said)

The evening was delightful, except for the reality that could never be erased from our minds. Gilly went downstairs for the first time at about 9:00 or so. He became wakeful, as his new habit and refused to come upstairs to bed no matter how much I begged him to do so. I went down every ten minutes until about 2:00 to make sure he was safe, and left both the gragger and walker at his left side for easy access. I must have dosed off for a few moments, and sure enough, he appeared at my side, having taken the stairs unassisted. Incorrigible is not the word. This act has nothing to do with cognitive confusion and everything to do with his stubborn, independent streak. I will have to solve this problem.

We slept most of the night, only awakening for a few trips to the bathroom. He was safe with his walker, but I followed along regardless.

He allowed me to serve him breakfast at around 10:30, but refused to get out of bed. I insisted he rise at 2:30 P.M. to greet Randee and then Anita and Bernie. He was pleasant and ate well. He especially loved the mango and figs Anita brought him as a treat.

My only complaint, other than mounting, sheer exhaustion is the fact that he told me twice today that he hates me. This is a brand new experience for me; we’ve had marital spats in the past, but neither one of us has ever made such a claim. Although I fully understand where it’s coming from, I cannot help but feel devastated. He loves me as much as he ever did; this I know. He spoke to me this way, more than likely, as a release of anger directed at me, but really as a result of his situation. The other possibility is further cognitive deterioration. If I had a choice, I’d opt for anger; it is to be expected.

I noticed him attempting to use his right hand on several occasions today. It seems to have loosened up slightly. Could the Decadron be having a positive effect? I have my fingers crossed very tightly. On a physical level, I have not seen any deterioration since Thursday night (we started the 5 day trial of Decadron on Friday); another good sign. You may think I’m grasping at straws, but I firmly believe that if there is swelling and this can be controlled, we will see improvement over the next few days.

We have friends and family coming to join us for dinner; I need the diversion as much as he does. We are both looking forward to a pleasant evening. He is catching up on some snoozing while I try my best to rid the house of dog hair and keep a watch on my brisket (comfort food of the very finest).